Opening Statements

My Interpretation:

Romney

Here I am, again. I really, really, really want to be President of the United States. If I wasn’t a damn Mormon I would be blowing these people out of the water and would have beat John McCain four years ago. Listen, I am improving, I’ve got solid leadership and I have a ton of money so I was able to create jobs through developing business. There may have been some causalities along the way but who’s counting? You probably should vote for me.

Gringrich

Ladies and Gentleman, I am the smartest person in this race. Sure I’m a little brash, maybe I am a little ah, what you would call it, untrustworthy but just hold your nose and vote for me. I will own Obama in a debate. It will be a sight to see.

Huntsman

Listen, you don’t know me because I made the fatal mistake of bypassing Iowa. Also, I’m from the creepiest state in the union, Utah. I know, I can’t explain why it’s creepy either, it just is. It’s probably all the Mormons or bigamy. Anyway, I’m for term limits in Congress and I’m also for civil unions for gay couples. Because of these two things I have the eye of girl named Katie in Omaha. With that said, I wish you all a &^%#$@, that means vote for me in Chinese.

Santorum

Ladies and Gentelman, Jews and Gentile, thank you for being willing to listen. I want to reassure you that I am indeed talking even though my mouth is not moving and you can only see my teeth.  I do make an excellent ventriloquist but I retired my Jesus puppet years ago. I realize that I fit every.single.stereotype ever told about white, male, Republican candidates and I’m proud to fit those stereotypes. Now I realize that my appeal to anyone beyond a very conservative, home-schooling, baby breeding family is practically non-existence, I have taken measures to help broaden my base. Please meet, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar who have signed on to help spread the Rick Santorum message. Thank you and God Bless the Pennsylvania coal miner and the other Christians living in his great nation.

Paul

I am running on the basic principles of life and I wish more people would embrace and live by them as well, I hate people. I hate government, I hate war and yes, I hate all of you as well but I’m asking for your vote. I do however love the Constitution. My foreign policy is totally unclear. No one cares what my stance is on social issues. And I do have some decent ideas but NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ME! It’s so annoying.

Perry

Hi, I’m Gov’ner Rick Perry! And I agree with what Newt said. Also, I created jobs, that is J-O-B-S. I haven’t a doggawn clue how those jobs were created but they were! I’m also going to send our troops back to them countries that have those terroristic bad guys cuz we need to. And I’m gonna cut spending by telling the Federal Reserve to stop printing those dollar bills and handin ‘em out. And that’s what I’m gonna do because I like guns.